


Lost

by Ainyan42



Series: Kal'istae, Imperial Ghost [3]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Introspection, Kali Is VERY Stubborn, Romance, So Is Theron, The Galaxy is Topsy-Turvy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:27:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23069941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ainyan42/pseuds/Ainyan42
Summary: When the Commander of the Alliance returns after going missing in the wilds of Odessen, she and Theron Shan are forced to explore some unexpected - and not entirely welcome - truths about themselves and their relationship.
Relationships: Female Imperial Agent | Cipher Nine/Theron Shan
Series: Kal'istae, Imperial Ghost [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1620928
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Lost

“Commander, Hylo Visz would like to see you in the hangar when you have a moment,” Lana stated as the rest of the council wandered off to rest, minds and hearts weary after the day’s misadventures. Before Kal’istae could do more than sigh, the sith reached out, placing a hand firmly on her arm. “When you have a moment,” she repeated. “Which you do not right now, because you, like everyone else, need to  _ rest _ .”

The Chiss rubbed at her eyes with the heel of her hand. “If Hylo needs me…” she protested half-heartedly.

Lana shook her arm, fingers tightening almost painfully. “It didn’t sound serious - I believe she just has a proposition to run by you. But you need to shower,” and she wrinkled her nose teasingly, “and  _ rest _ before you run headlong into the next adventure. Kali,” she added softly, “you had me so worried. You had  _ Theron _ worried - he was  _ pacing _ ,” she added, trying to impress upon her Commander just how concerned they all had been. “We couldn’t find you. We couldn’t reach you.”

Kal’istae gazed helplessly at her advisor - her friend - then sighed, shoulders slumping. “You’re right. You’re right. I just - I wasn’t here, and Kaliyo - and Jorgan,” she added hurriedly, “are in trouble  _ because _ I wasn’t here - and now Hylo has something… there’s so much to do,” she murmured, rubbing at her chest, “I don’t have time to…”

Lana’s fingers tightened almost painfully on Kali’s arm. “You don’t have time  _ not _ to,” she replied in a low, fierce voice. “Imagine what would happen to the Alliance if you work yourself ill - or worse.” The sith’s yellow eyes narrowed and she played her trump card. “Imagine what it would do to Theron if something happened to you.”

Kali’s lips tightened. “Not fair,” she muttered, but Lana could see the reluctant acquiescence in the Chiss’s expression. “Alright,” she sighed. “I’ll at least go get cleaned up. We’ll see after that.”

“That will do,” Lana agreed, releasing her grip on the commander’s arm. “Now go. Clean. Rest,” she added softly as the Chiss moved off in the direction of her rooms, rubbing her hands together as if chilled. “Please rest. We need you.”

She didn’t want to consider what would happen to the Alliance if they lost the woman who stood not only at its head, but as its heart.

* * *

Kal’istae could feel exhaustion dogging her steps as the door to her suite slid closed behind her, and she paused mid-step, looking around tiredly as she let her eyes adjust to the dim light in the room.

The rooms set aside for the Alliance Commander were small, but comfortable - first, a sitting room that doubled as her personal office, scattered about with seating, holomaps, and datapads aplenty. There were no walls between this room and the next room - her bedroom, although she knew that she could activate light screens that would act as dividers should she wish to cordon off her private chambers from the more public area of her room. For now, however, she was content with the layout. 

Leaning against her desk, she grunted as she bent forward, peeling off the calf-boots and tossing them - and the holdout blaster and vibroblade strapped to them - to the side. Next came her jacket and holsters for her main blaster and blade, the thick leather sliding roughly over her hands as she deposited them in the desk chair behind her. 

On bare feet, she padded towards the short steps leading up to her bedroom, stripping off the lightly armored shirt and leather pants she favored for combat situations and leaving them in wrinkled, stained piles to mark her passing. Last came her underwear, flung negligently to the ground as the door to the last of the three rooms - the refresher - hissed open and she stepped inside, naked and aching.

She studied the shower thoughtfully before programming the pressure and temperature, opting for a pulsing spray just shy of boiling. As soon as she judged it ready, she stepped inside, unable to suppress the soft moan as the heated water immediately began to attack the vicious knots that her ordeal on Odessen had left in her muscles.

As she began to scrub at the grime and sweat - and no little blood - that covered her body, she struggled to blank her mind, to stop worrying, stressing, wondering. An impossible task, she knew - with Kaliyo and Jorgan missing behind enemy lines; with Lana’s concern so fresh in her memory; with that brief flash of Theron’s shock when she mentioned his long-missing mother, how could she think of nothing?

Hissing as the soap foamed in the cuts she’d endured at the claws of the beasts of Odessen, she turned her restless mind instead to considering the lessons she’d learned at the hands of Satele Shan and Darth Marr. The Force was a complete enigma to her; like the vast majority of Chiss, she had no real knowledge of the Force at all. Centuries of purging the Force-sensitive from the Ascendancy had greatly reduced the likelihood of a Chiss being born able to sense the galaxy’s most primal and invasive power.

Yet, as Satele and Marr had explained the concept of the living Force, she’d begun to visualize it, and understand at least a little about this vast power that bound the universe together - and, as Marr put it, tore it apart. Maybe she’d never really understand light side versus dark side, or how it all came together - but she understood a little bit better about her own place in things.

Even if she still wasn’t convinced that she needed to take the throne, no matter how many people insisted that she do so. 

She shut off the water as that final thought hovered in her mind and let the last drops drip down her body, feeling the faint sting and ache of her injuries beneath the pleasure of unknotted muscles and being clean. Reaching out, she pulled the towel off of the bar, wrapping it around herself and pacing out of the refresher into her darkened bedroom. A single light blinked on and off; the message terminal, signaling that a transmission had come in while she had been in the shower.

Reluctantly, she moved to the terminal, reaching out to toggle on the screen. She scrolled through the innumerable messages already read to the latest received. Her eyes narrowed as she studied the name of the sender, then she opened it, clutching at the tuck of her towel as she read the words before her.

> _ It took me a long time to hit send on this one, but I guess you already know I’m not great at this. _

Kal’istae felt her heart tremble as she read Theron’s message, her fingers uncurling from around the tuck of the towel, reaching upward, pressing lightly against her throat. 

> _ Just know I’ll be here waiting for you. Always. _

She reached out, brushing her fingers over the screen as her breath caught in her lungs, tingles chasing themselves up and down her spine. Damn it - this wasn’t supposed to happen. It wasn’t supposed to go this way. They should have been sated with each other by now. Without the added fillip of being on opposite sides of the war - the forbidden lust aspect that had piqued their interest from Manaan through Yavin IV - this so-called relationship of Theron’s should have run its course.

And damn if her heart didn’t plunge into her stomach at the thought of him walking away - at the thought of walking away from him. A complication none of them needed - but there was little use in denying it.

She closed down the terminal and moved away, prodding thoughtfully at her piles of clothing with one bare foot before moving on to her wardrobe. She studied the limited selection before selecting something casual - slacks, a sweater, simple and comfortable. She tugged on a pair of ankle boots, secured her vibroblade at the base of her spine, contemplated her trench - then left it slung across her chair.

Then she slipped out of her rooms, pausing only to tell HK-51 that anyone coming looking for her was to be told that she was not to be disturbed. The droid eyed her before voicing his affirmative, and she activated her stealth generator and strode off through the base, towards the wing where most of her people had their quarters.

* * *

She paused before Theron’s door, studying the lock with pursed lips. She could probably slice into it - given long enough - but not before her attempts betrayed her to the spy. She had no doubt he’d tinkered with his security, and she’d only ever been a middling slicer. So instead, she pressed her thumb against the toggle for the buzzer that would alert him that someone was here.

After several long, humming moments that had her rethinking her plan, the door slid open, revealing a tousle-haired, sleepy-eyed Theron clad only in a pair of light pants. Rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his hand, he peered out into the hallway, confused - then abruptly focused in on where she was standing, despite the fact that her generator remained active. Without a word, he stepped back, gesturing for her to enter.

She did so, pausing just beyond the door while it slid shut again and he reengaged the security. She dropped her stealth shield and they stood before the door, staring awkwardly at each other without saying a word. Finally, she let out an embarrassed sigh. “I knew this was a mistake,” she muttered, turning back towards the door.

Theron’s hand shot out, catching her arm, and he tugged her to him, drawing her lightly against his lean body. He stared down into her face, his expression impersonally curious. “Why did you come, Kal’istae?” he asked softly.

Her lips parted, but she couldn’t find the words at first. He waited patiently, his fingers lightly caressing her arm as he watched her with those ever-intense hazel eyes. Finally, she sighed. “I… got your letter.”

“Ah,” was all he said, his hand gliding up her arm to her face, warm fingers curving against her cheek. She waited to see if he had anything else to say - but he was not forthcoming, his thumb gliding along the ridge of her cheekbone as he waited with that same infuriating patience.

Kali’s lips tightened briefly. “You’re not going to make this easy, are you?” she asked waspishly, allowing a hint of bite to sharpen the rich rolling vowels of her accent.

Theron’s lips curved, but there was little humor in the expression as his fingers tightened against her cheek, holding her in place when she would have jerked away. “I’ll make it as easy for you as it was for me to face the thought that something had happened to you,” he replied, and she hissed out her vexation.

“I didn’t do it on purpose - or at all. If you want to yell at someone, yell at Valkorion,” she snapped, hiding the sympathetic pain his response provoked behind her irritation.

Theron closed his eyes, and she felt his fingers flex against her cheek before he drew his hand away, shoving it - and the other - into the pockets of his pants. “Why are you here, Kali?” he asked again.

She wanted to punch him. She wanted to storm off. She could feel the tears of frustration burning behind her eyes.  _ But _ , beneath  _ his _ anger, beneath his apparent indifference, she could feel the very real pain he was still grappling with from her disappearance, and she reined in her impatience. “I needed to see you,” she finally replied once she’d tamped back her own feelings. “I needed you to see me.”

He let out a shaky breath, drawing his hands out of his pockets and reaching up to cradle her face between his palms once again. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t expect it - it came out of the blue. When Lana couldn’t raise you - when the scouts reported no sign… Kali, I’ve never been so scared in my life. I had no idea how to handle it. I still have no idea how to handle it.” He leaned down, pressing his forehead to hers. “I’ve never been in a situation like this.”

She sighed, feeling the last of her anger drain away in the face of his remorse, closing her eyes and leaning into him, her hands resting on his bare chest as she steadied herself against him. “Neither have I,” she sighed. “No one’s ever panicked over me before. No one’s ever made me worry about leaving them behind before.”

She felt Theron start against her. “What about Vector?” he asked, and she flinched slightly. She felt his fingers soothe against her cheeks, felt his lips brush her forehead.

“I never thought about how Vector felt when I went without him,” she admitted, a flicker of shame in her voice, “and he never said anything. It was never - not for me. I- I guess that makes me a cold bitch.”

Theron’s thumbs tucked under her chin, urging her head up, and she opened her eyes to stare up into his. “There is nothing,” he said, his voice low and fierce, “cold about you.” His eyes blazed hot, anger mingling with deeper, more frightening emotions. “You aren’t responsible for how other people feel - and from what you’ve told me, he understood how you felt - or didn’t.”

“I know,” she whispered, fisting her hands against his chest. “But I never realized how easily I could hurt someone, just by being me - by doing the things I have to do.”

Theron laughed, soft and low. “Oh Kali,” he sighed, “you can devastate someone just by being you. That’s part of your charm. Stop,” he murmured, as she opened her mouth, scarlet eyes stricken. “I like to believe that I can walk away. It might hurt - a lot - but if I thought it was for the best, I could. I would.” His calloused fingertips were feather-soft against her cheeks. “It wouldn’t be for the best. We’re what’s best - you and me. There’s nothing we can’t do, together.”

Kali felt compelled to point out the obvious. “We don’t have to be… _ together _ … to work together.”

Theron’s eyes took on a wicked glint. “Well sure, but where’s the fun in that?” he asked, his voice dropping, wreaking havoc on her spine on its way down. He laughed again as he watched her reaction in her eyes, felt it in the way her pulse quickened beneath his fingers, her skin warming, flushed. “Tell me we don’t belong, Kali,” he taunted her. “Tell me.”

“I can’t,” she whispered. “Damn you, Theron.”

His smile was quick and sly as he leaned in. “I was damned the moment I saw your eyes, Kal’istae,” he whispered against her lips. “Those huge red eyes. I lost myself in them, and I don’t know if I’ll ever find my way out.” Before she could respond to such a ridiculous -  _ seductive _ \- statement, he pressed his lips to hers, dropping his hands from her face to wrap his arms around her, pulling her securely against him. Her own arms wound around his slim waist, hands fisting against the base of his spine as she gave in to the demands of his mouth.

Truth was, she’d been lost from the first moment his hazel eyes had smirked at her, filled with roguish humor and challenge. She could never resist a challenge.

She could never resist  _ him _ .

And even as he guided her towards his bed, his hands and hers racing to divest her of her clothing, of what little he wore, she knew that they were only delaying the inevitable. Eventually, they’d have to talk about what had happened on Odessen - what had happened in this very room. Boundaries had been shattered; preconceptions thrown out the window. 

She knew he knew it, as well. As he laid her back in his bed, as his mouth covered hers, his hands gliding across her sapphire skin, leaving her aflame with need in their wake, she could feel the change in his touch - the tenderness beneath the rough, hungry grasping, the affection underlying the desire. 

Then his gaze met hers, and she fell into his eyes, even as he slid inside of her, achingly slow. With a sigh, she felt her thoughts, her concerns slip away, focusing on here. On now. On him. On them.  _ Together _ .

Right where they belonged.


End file.
